As parents, if we discover that our child is deliberately hurting himself (most often by cutting, burning or stabbing himself with sharp objects), it is a huge shock to us. Moreover, this discovery often comes suddenly, as teenagers can mask their wounds and scars well in the first phase. We are overwhelmed by a wave of regret and fear, and we try to talk to the child about it, asking for explanations and promises. However, we are usually met with his refusal, silence or shame. We forbid the child to continue such self-destructive activity, we want to control him, confiscate all sharp objects in his vicinity and watch his every move. Unfortunately, however, after all our efforts, he usually hurts himself again. It is natural that this situation does not leave us calm and emotions literally rage inside us. Pity and fear can be replaced by feelings of guilt, anger, rage and helplessness.

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Self-harm certainly does not mean that our offspring has an immediate desire to take his or her own life and has had serious suicidal intentions for a long time. Therefore, he is not in immediate danger of death. Some experts even agree that self-harm is an expression of a will to live. The sufferer is experiencing psychological stress but does not want to give up the fight. Although he has found a completely inappropriate way of securing relief, he is signalling that he wants to live and does not want to suffer.

Self-harm can be a manifestation of some unprocessed trauma. It can be sexual abuse, of course, or violence, but it can also be bullying, the failure to cope with a parental breakup or the breakdown of a love relationship, the result of a performance-based, boundaryless or hyperprotective upbringing, and many others.

Self-harm can also be caused by more serious disorders such as depression, psychosis or borderline personality disorder. However, to assume immediately any of these disorders is definitely premature and will cause undue stress to parents. It is unfortunately already a well-known fact that the almost year-long social isolation and the loss of a secure daily routine during the covid quarantine has led to a significant vulnerability of children and adolescents. Even normally manageable stresses could then cause disproportionate emotional strain in more vulnerable individuals.

On the other hand, self-harm cannot be minimized. It is certainly not just a manifestation of the natural emotional instability that is typical of puberty and adolescence. While peer and social media influences may exacerbate the problem, they cannot be identified as the actual cause. Nor is self-harm a manifestation of a fashion, an Emo style or a simple desire to be interesting and different from the majority. Self-harm cannot be downplayed and expected to go away on its own. In any case, professional help should be sought, the cause diagnosed and professional therapy initiated.

Self-harm as such cannot be described as a psychological disorder. It is a symptom that accompanies more than one type of psychological disorder. We can therefore assume that our child, for various reasons, experiences states of psychological pain that are subjectively unbearable for him. Physical pain is the first way of overcoming this emotional tension. In addition, in the case of physical injury, endorphin is released, which is the body's own opiate that has the ability to bring the person concerned relief from unpleasant feelings for a certain period of time. The vicious circle of self-harm is addictive. Through the act of self-injury, the sufferer secures a form of relaxation for a temporary period of time, much like drinking a shot of liquor. If the neurophysiological environment in the brain returns to normal, the emotional stress reappears and the need to resolve it immediately returns. Therefore, the road to recovery is gradual and the self-injurious individual cannot be expected to abandon this self-destructive activity after one, albeit emphatic, reprimand.