Blood, scars or burns on the body of a beloved child are one of the most shocking images for the eyes of parents. Why on earth is he hurting himself? What should we do? How do we stop it? So ask the desperate parents who are at first in utter shock at this discovery.

Do you think you need help or at least want more clarity? Make an appointment for a no-obligation initial and diagnostic consultation or just give us a call, we will be happy to advise you and help you with everything. At our first meeting we will talk about your difficulties, find out the severity of your problems and the possible causes. We will suggest a course of action and, if necessary, select your personal therapist so that he/she not only meets your professional requirements, but also suits you humanly.

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The first and basic rule is to keep calm. It may sound like "princely advice", but natural agitation and frustration should at least not be apparent to our offspring at first sight. This doesn't mean we're going to act out. We need to make it clear, without undue hysteria, that this behaviour has crossed the boundaries of normal behaviour and has pathological features.

However, we never judge the child's personality itself and do not attribute to it any qualities that would directly affect it. We speak calmly and only discuss his self-defeating activities.

Inappropriate are statements such as "Are you crazy, have you changed, what do you want to prove?, do you want to destroy yourself?, etc." We express our understanding that the child is experiencing some inner pain that we, as parents, may not understand at the moment, but we understand that he or she wants to relieve his or her suffering in this way.

We assure him that we are on his side and we want to help him. At the same time, we are adamant that the problem should not remain in the family alone, but that a professional should be involved in the whole matter.

We proceed firmly, but refrain from threatening, "If you don't stop, no one will be friends with you, you'll look weird, we'll put you in a mental institution, you'll never be able to wear shorts again, you'll never find a boyfriend, everyone will think you're crazy, etc." Even though it's hard, you also need to consistently refrain from emotional blackmail: "look how devastated we all are, you can't do this to us, we suffer more than you do, your mommy cries for you, etc."

Further, we are also not pressing for an immediate explanation for this action. We will try to control our natural parental need to resolve everything as quickly as possible on our own. We try to keep our behaviour as unchanged as possible. We avoid excessive sympathy, often very humiliating checks on injured areas of the body, we do not give the child unsolicited attention, we do not give him extraordinary relief, we do not give ultimatums, we do not demand promises and immediate changes in his current lifestyle ("from now on we will turn off your wifi, you will be with us all the time, you must go back to gymnastics immediately, etc.").

We have to assume that our child is going through a difficult time and is probably very mentally exhausted. Therefore, despite the difficulty of the situation we find ourselves in, we should try not to make our reactions even more difficult for the child, causing him or her further remorse and reinforcing feelings of self-hatred. This would only increase the risk of repeating the act of self-harm.

Looking for a specific culprit in a case of self-harm is entirely secondary. In the case of trauma resulting from a criminal act, it is naturally appropriate to provide a safe space for the child in the event of an ongoing threat and leave the determination of guilt and punishment to the appropriate authorities.

In the vast majority of cases, however, this is not the case. One cannot be paralysed by hatred of teachers, peers, classmates or ex-partners. But the most common and completely counterproductive reaction is to start looking for our own culpability in this already very difficult situation.

We blame ourselves for failures, for mistakes in upbringing, and cause ourselves severe anxiety with these thoughts. None of us is a perfect parent who would be able to provide a completely non-traumatic, safe and in all respects developing upbringing for their child. If anyone is adamant about this, it is rather suspicious and introduces grounds for doubt.

We all try to do our best for our children, of course in proportion to our abilities, skills, experience and convictions. Some bad things just happen.

A whole mosaic of individual factors often leads to their occurrence, and looking for a specific culprit is not only pointless, but often literally destructive.

Self-harm is a manifestation of intrapsychic conflict, so it is essential that professional diagnostics be carried out at the beginning of treatment to determine at least the root cause of this phenomenon. In the case of the most serious conditions, a decision should also be made about possible medication or, in some cases, hospitalisation. Properly conducted therapy is not limited to working with the consequences (i.e. self-harm), but focuses primarily on identifying and treating the underlying internal injury.

Certainly, every parent will initially feel the need to tell the psychologist everything and to portray the situation "objectively" so that his or her child does not forget anything, conceal anything or distort anything. A certain motive is also the quite natural tendency to defend oneself and explain the family situation. However, this would disrupt the therapeutic relationship and the young person would come to see their psychologist as a kind of extended arm of their parents and relatives. Therefore, in adolescent therapy, care is consistently taken to ensure that the minor client is not excluded from any of the sessions. This means that it is not permissible for the parents to meet with the psychologist without the child, to request reports on the ongoing therapy, to telephone the psychologist behind the juvenile client's back to inform him of developments, and so on.

If the parents want to tell the therapist something, this is always done in the presence of the minor. And it's the other way around. If there is a need for the psychologist to discuss certain topics with the parents, to give them some recommendations and information, this is again done only with the consent and presence of the minor client. Some parents find these rules harder to bear and have little understanding of them. It should be added, however, that in treatment the sole focus is on the benefit and recovery of the child. Clinical and research experience confirms that this approach is the most effective and contributes to the establishment of a strong therapeutic relationship, which is a prerequisite for psychological recovery.